Okay, this is a list of things I want to say to my cousin’s young 4 year old son but I really make an effort to hold back:
“Jesse, why does the Easter bunny have eggs?
ME: “Well, the Easter bunny is kind of a pervert and he has sex with chickens. After they have sex he steals their children from the chickens coops and paints them different colors so he can influence human children to also become chicken molesters.”
“Jesse, why do people kiss under mistle toe?”
Me:” If you ever … EVER… walk under mistle toe and dont kiss anyone… ANYONE!… then your toes will all explode and launch like missiles down your throat and through your intestines and out your butthole”
“Jesse, why does Santa come down the chimney?”
Me: “Santa is a demon from hell and if you dont leave him cookies then… well.. thats what we should really be talking about right now. Who cares how hell demons get down chimneys? what is really important is that you feed that demon bastard so he doesnt come to your bedroom and poop on your favorite toys.”
“Jesse, do you love me?”
Me:”Of course I do, I just like lying to gullible children. You probably shouldn’t listen to me, Dont you remember that time I told your sister what college was like?”
