I Showered Today! I can still do basic life things!

Hey!  So I have been really good about showering and doing laundry for a while now… but this weekend I fell into a depression that was so bad I could NOT shower for 3 days!  I know, gross, right?  But hey, when you dont care about anything, hygiene is just not on your mind!

But today, I started out depressed… called my dad crying … of course its dad so its like “well your still reading some books, right?  so everthing is fine, see?”

No dad, just because I still have some reading skills doesnt mean im fine, but anyways.

Things got better, I dont know how… but they did.  All of a sudden I got really anxious, then I got this hyperventilated buzz and then… I felt great!  Its like I broke down completely before I was able to pick myself up again.

So yeah, I took a shower and the rest of the worlds noses can be thankful now… whoopee

The fact is “everything will be okay”

Everything is not okay with me right now.  Things may change in an hour or two.  Things may change in a few days or a few months or even a year.  But right now things are NOT okay.

When this feeling hits, whether it is situational or just brain problems, you have to remember that things always go in a pattern.

If its situational, is it your fault?  Or is it someone else’s fault?

If its just brain chemistry, then the question is, when will this too pass?

You have to remember the main patterns… the “rollercoaster of life”  the “up and down hills” and “the good coming through after a bad or worse time”

Things may not be okay right now… and for me they are not.  But how will I feel in a few days or weeks or months.

“This too, shall pass”

The difference between stuff and “stuff”

So I am sorta like a spy.  I sit on my porch and smoke my cigs and kinda just watch whats going on.  Its a good way to pass time.  There is one thing above all that I have learned that is most important….  a typed letter that looks ominous can reveal the true nature of your neighbors.

The neighbors across the street USED to play really loud rap music… USED TO…

My mom walked up to them in their driveway, and I mean it was bad, a lot of cursing in the music, and also some lurid sexual and drug use suggestions, even one about cutting someone and snorting their blood… like what?  there are a lot of kids in our neighborhood so it really is a problem to blast that shit.

anyways, so mom walks up and as soon as she does, the father of this family comes outside and balks that he doesnt want any trouble, and moms like fine but this music has to stop.

well it didnt so we took a video and sent it to the homeowners association and they sent them a letter about noise violation and that the cops would be called.  That was the day the music died.

well, these are no ordinary neighbors.  They have people pulling up to their house for a minute then leaving, all kinds of kids hanging out there, like teenagers and young twenties, different teenagers spending the night.

Obviously I live across the street from drug dealers… which I am totally cool with.  If the world were to end I would go to their place because pot heads are prepared!  They are obviously scared of the cops, all their kids are out of highschool and still live at home but the fact that there is so much traffic and partying and they have some really nice cars.  like 5 cars for one 2 story house and they dont even use their garage.  But hey, Im not calling the cops and if they werent worried about cops coming so bad that I hear absolutely no “Fuck” “cunts”  “ass” anymore blasting full volume out of the fathers Jaguar.. I wouldnt have realized they are in the business, but you keep chilling you “cool” drug dealing parents… I am not calling the cops, im cool with your business… just keep the “Ass and Titties” to yourself.

I really hope nobody ever kidnaps me…

Okay, just a normal morning… the Today show is completely over, even the 10 o’clock Today show.  Now it is time to turn off the TV.  The Dr. Oz show just came on and I am forever petrified of watching this because the one time I did watch it… it was about a woman who had been kidnapped and locked in a box for YEARS!   She was taken out of the box periodically for … well, you know… the kind of stuff men do to women they keep in boxes…

If I were locked in a box I would give that person hell… I guess I would just probably die from hoplessness and not being able to take my high dosages of medication…

BUT… if I didnt die, then this kidnapper would be in for a whole lot of unexpected shit.  I know exactly how crazy I can get and this dude would be in for some major doses of crazy town.  … What would a kidnapper do if they kidnapped a schizoaffective bipolar person?   What if they were trying to keep you alive and healthy and want ransom money for your safe return?  I dont think they would be able to handle an unmedicated schizo bipolar person… we are formidable enemies… the kidnapper would return me swiftly I am sure…

“Nevermind, I kidnapped her but I am dropping her off to the ER because she needs some serious help.”

Trust me, I have all kinds of fears.  I hear these stories on the news of people being killed and kidnapped and all that horrible stuff that they love to add tag lines to…  I mean I cant handle this stuff…

PLEASE DO NOT KIDNAP ME, ALL OF YOU PEOPLE NEED TO RELAX AND JUST SAY NO TO KIDNAPPING BIPOLAR JESSE’S

Talking about depression is so fucking depressing

If I ever talk to anyone about depression, being depressed, or anything like that… I get so fucking depressed.  Listening to my mouth spout out those words:

“I am not feeling very good today.”

“I am kind of down today.”

“Today just … suuuuuuccckkksss.”

So yeah, talking about it really is quite lame… However, it is not just me that gets depressed… its everyone else who has to hear about it, too.  I can tell by their eyes no longer meeting my own eyes, I can tell by the way their body turns slightly away from me, I can tell by their measured and feebly attempted responses:

“Oh, Im sorry.”(followed by a weak smile)

“Really?”

and the worst response ever….

“WHY?”

Look, everyone in the world who is reading… if ANYONE knew why they were depressed, do you not think we would change something?  Don’t you think we would be able to… how do you phrase it?… SNAP OUT OF IT?   Yeah, I have heard that before too…

Anyways, DO NOT HUG ME, do not ask WHY, do not tell me I am too fat or too skinny… just accept me… because YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS BIG A PAIN IN THE ASS TO ME AS MY DEPRESSION IS TO YOU

UGH… Why do you have to touch me?

Okay, so I had to follow my mom in her car today while she drove her rental car back to Enterprise.  This is not a big deal… usually.  However, this morning my mom got up around 9 am and let her beagles outside where there is still some snow on the back porch.  Our female beagle, 9yrs old, squatted for 5 minutes and did not produce any “tee-tee”, as my mother would say.   This is a huge deal in our household.  “Jesse!  Look at Sophie!  She is trying to tee-tee!”  “Jesse, OMG, she is tee-teeing for a really long time!”  “Jesse!  Sophie did not even tee-tee a little bit”

“Mom, there is a lot of tee-tee on that snow outside, how can you tell?”

“Well, that was already there.   She did NOT tee-tee and look, she is trying to again!”

After much watching and observing of Sophie dog beagle we came to the conclusion that she may have a bladder infection.

“Mom, you better call Thomas and ask before we go all the way to the vet.”  Thomas is her husband, my step-dad.

Apparently, Thomas reported noticing a lot of squatting by sophie dog on her last walk.

Do you know what this means?  It means a trip to the downtown vet.  So now its not just driving behind mom to return her rental car.  Its driving behind mom to return her rental car with not just sophie dog, but Max dog, Sophie’s brother, as well.   Sophie opens and closes automatic windows as she sits in my lap at the drivers seat.  Max gets stuck between the seats because he is quite a heavy young man.  There is barking and slobbering and then, worst of all, I am the one in the car with both of them.

We drop of the rental and mom gets in the car and we go to the vets.   The dogs rush out of the car in a surge of gleefulness and panic… whatever you want to call that combination.  we go inside to check in and our dogs completely harass every single animal in that waiting room. What makes it even worse is that I am there, panicking, watching peoples dogs cower and hide… cats quivering in their carrying cases… mom calmly watching tv like this is normal.

We get to our own little room, probably pretty quickly because of all the fussing, and nurse and vet come in to do the check.  Some feeling up of sophie is involved, a thermometer up the butt, and an xray to check for stones.  The only thing we find is that after the up the butt thermometer, sophie leaves a small mass of gooey mucus like slime on my mothers lap.

MOM- “Look at this!”

Nurse- “does it smell?”

No one dared get close enough to tell and soon we were out of there with antibiotics.  Now it is my turn to be in the passenger seat.   On the way home there was slobber, hair all over me, Max got his butt stuck between the seats so he half layed on me and the armrest, Sophie crawls over him with one half on one side of him and the other half in my face.  Lets just say we got really close today.   And yet no one knows what that flemmy white ooze was that came from sophies butt at the vets, no one knows if it smelled, and even worse … I was there for the whole damn thing.

Dealing with IT

So, yeah… I’m depressed.  How do I deal with this?

depression creeps around in the the background.  I could see it in the corner of my eye for days now. It remained elusive until about an hour ago.  This is something you cannot see or reason with.  Apparently, there is a gene for it.  Perhaps you could watch and observe how my synapses are firing at the moment.  But can I do that right now?  Hell no.  All I can do is FEEL it.

I have literally talked to dozens of doctors. Dozens of therapists.

What is their advice?  Raise this med, try this med.  Try mindfullness.  Try opposite action.  Try something fun and new.

What is it they dont get?  Its not just my mind.  Its everything in the whole damn world that is depressing.  The color of the sky sucks right now.  The melting snow is sooo sad.  I am not going to call and talk to anyone about this because I care about them.  I dont want to depress anyone else.  So what is there for me?

Okay, I have taken all medicine as prescribed.  I have plenty of reading material.  I have games to play on my tablet and tv I can watch.  I do not want to deal with actual people, so, no.. the outside world is not available right now.  The question is, will I sit here and just be miserable or will I try something that could work?

I made up my mind a long time ago about this.  Not acting is just as bad as giving up.  I will not give up.  I will push forward and make it through this.  Its the hardest thing a person can do, pushing through.  But it can be done.  I will not give in to this darkness.  I am not a victim.  Im pushing through and I hope that anyone else out there who goes through this can do the same.