My precious little sister, who is a DOG, is dying. She is a 9 year old beagle and still looks and acts every day like a puppy. I live with my parents and have lived with her almost her whole life from Lufkin TX to greenville SC. Lets just say I am not very good at being independent! However, neither is she. Sophie has separation anxiety and spends her whole day laying down with me when I am depressed or following me around when I am manic. Its mostly laying down with me when I am depressed though.
Now we are losing her. She has urethral cancer and she can barely urinate. What that means is that she has a malignant tumor in her urethra. She has only months left. 6 months if we are lucky.
I feel like I am losing my very best of best friends. You see, she is not a fair weather friend. and unlike my people friends, she doesnt do stupid things that piss me off. She is always there to lay in bed with me and even wake me up in the morning. What am I going to do without her company? I mean, I just cant imagine a world without her. I cannot even imagine it. And I have lost pets before, but Sophie? This is too soon, this is wrong, this is fundamentally not right. She is my constant comfort, my bestie, my shoulder to cry on. What do you do when you lose your angel?
Hey! So I have been really good about showering and doing laundry for a while now… but this weekend I fell into a depression that was so bad I could NOT shower for 3 days! I know, gross, right? But hey, when you dont care about anything, hygiene is just not on your mind!
But today, I started out depressed… called my dad crying … of course its dad so its like “well your still reading some books, right? so everthing is fine, see?”
No dad, just because I still have some reading skills doesnt mean im fine, but anyways.
Things got better, I dont know how… but they did. All of a sudden I got really anxious, then I got this hyperventilated buzz and then… I felt great! Its like I broke down completely before I was able to pick myself up again.
So yeah, I took a shower and the rest of the worlds noses can be thankful now… whoopee
Everything is not okay with me right now. Things may change in an hour or two. Things may change in a few days or a few months or even a year. But right now things are NOT okay.
When this feeling hits, whether it is situational or just brain problems, you have to remember that things always go in a pattern.
If its situational, is it your fault? Or is it someone else’s fault?
If its just brain chemistry, then the question is, when will this too pass?
You have to remember the main patterns… the “rollercoaster of life” the “up and down hills” and “the good coming through after a bad or worse time”
Things may not be okay right now… and for me they are not. But how will I feel in a few days or weeks or months.
“This too, shall pass”
So I am sorta like a spy. I sit on my porch and smoke my cigs and kinda just watch whats going on. Its a good way to pass time. There is one thing above all that I have learned that is most important…. a typed letter that looks ominous can reveal the true nature of your neighbors.
The neighbors across the street USED to play really loud rap music… USED TO…
My mom walked up to them in their driveway, and I mean it was bad, a lot of cursing in the music, and also some lurid sexual and drug use suggestions, even one about cutting someone and snorting their blood… like what? there are a lot of kids in our neighborhood so it really is a problem to blast that shit.
anyways, so mom walks up and as soon as she does, the father of this family comes outside and balks that he doesnt want any trouble, and moms like fine but this music has to stop.
well it didnt so we took a video and sent it to the homeowners association and they sent them a letter about noise violation and that the cops would be called. That was the day the music died.
well, these are no ordinary neighbors. They have people pulling up to their house for a minute then leaving, all kinds of kids hanging out there, like teenagers and young twenties, different teenagers spending the night.
Obviously I live across the street from drug dealers… which I am totally cool with. If the world were to end I would go to their place because pot heads are prepared! They are obviously scared of the cops, all their kids are out of highschool and still live at home but the fact that there is so much traffic and partying and they have some really nice cars. like 5 cars for one 2 story house and they dont even use their garage. But hey, Im not calling the cops and if they werent worried about cops coming so bad that I hear absolutely no “Fuck” “cunts” “ass” anymore blasting full volume out of the fathers Jaguar.. I wouldnt have realized they are in the business, but you keep chilling you “cool” drug dealing parents… I am not calling the cops, im cool with your business… just keep the “Ass and Titties” to yourself.
Okay, this is a list of things I want to say to my cousin’s young 4 year old son but I really make an effort to hold back:
“Jesse, why does the Easter bunny have eggs?
ME: “Well, the Easter bunny is kind of a pervert and he has sex with chickens. After they have sex he steals their children from the chickens coops and paints them different colors so he can influence human children to also become chicken molesters.”
“Jesse, why do people kiss under mistle toe?”
Me:” If you ever … EVER… walk under mistle toe and dont kiss anyone… ANYONE!… then your toes will all explode and launch like missiles down your throat and through your intestines and out your butthole”
“Jesse, why does Santa come down the chimney?”
Me: “Santa is a demon from hell and if you dont leave him cookies then… well.. thats what we should really be talking about right now. Who cares how hell demons get down chimneys? what is really important is that you feed that demon bastard so he doesnt come to your bedroom and poop on your favorite toys.”
“Jesse, do you love me?”
Me:”Of course I do, I just like lying to gullible children. You probably shouldn’t listen to me, Dont you remember that time I told your sister what college was like?”
Okay, just a normal morning… the Today show is completely over, even the 10 o’clock Today show. Now it is time to turn off the TV. The Dr. Oz show just came on and I am forever petrified of watching this because the one time I did watch it… it was about a woman who had been kidnapped and locked in a box for YEARS! She was taken out of the box periodically for … well, you know… the kind of stuff men do to women they keep in boxes…
If I were locked in a box I would give that person hell… I guess I would just probably die from hoplessness and not being able to take my high dosages of medication…
BUT… if I didnt die, then this kidnapper would be in for a whole lot of unexpected shit. I know exactly how crazy I can get and this dude would be in for some major doses of crazy town. … What would a kidnapper do if they kidnapped a schizoaffective bipolar person? What if they were trying to keep you alive and healthy and want ransom money for your safe return? I dont think they would be able to handle an unmedicated schizo bipolar person… we are formidable enemies… the kidnapper would return me swiftly I am sure…
“Nevermind, I kidnapped her but I am dropping her off to the ER because she needs some serious help.”
Trust me, I have all kinds of fears. I hear these stories on the news of people being killed and kidnapped and all that horrible stuff that they love to add tag lines to… I mean I cant handle this stuff…
PLEASE DO NOT KIDNAP ME, ALL OF YOU PEOPLE NEED TO RELAX AND JUST SAY NO TO KIDNAPPING BIPOLAR JESSE’S
If I ever talk to anyone about depression, being depressed, or anything like that… I get so fucking depressed. Listening to my mouth spout out those words:
“I am not feeling very good today.”
“I am kind of down today.”
“Today just … suuuuuuccckkksss.”
So yeah, talking about it really is quite lame… However, it is not just me that gets depressed… its everyone else who has to hear about it, too. I can tell by their eyes no longer meeting my own eyes, I can tell by the way their body turns slightly away from me, I can tell by their measured and feebly attempted responses:
“Oh, Im sorry.”(followed by a weak smile)
and the worst response ever….
Look, everyone in the world who is reading… if ANYONE knew why they were depressed, do you not think we would change something? Don’t you think we would be able to… how do you phrase it?… SNAP OUT OF IT? Yeah, I have heard that before too…
Anyways, DO NOT HUG ME, do not ask WHY, do not tell me I am too fat or too skinny… just accept me… because YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS BIG A PAIN IN THE ASS TO ME AS MY DEPRESSION IS TO YOU