Talking about depression is so fucking depressing

If I ever talk to anyone about depression, being depressed, or anything like that… I get so fucking depressed.  Listening to my mouth spout out those words:

“I am not feeling very good today.”

“I am kind of down today.”

“Today just … suuuuuuccckkksss.”

So yeah, talking about it really is quite lame… However, it is not just me that gets depressed… its everyone else who has to hear about it, too.  I can tell by their eyes no longer meeting my own eyes, I can tell by the way their body turns slightly away from me, I can tell by their measured and feebly attempted responses:

“Oh, Im sorry.”(followed by a weak smile)


and the worst response ever….


Look, everyone in the world who is reading… if ANYONE knew why they were depressed, do you not think we would change something?  Don’t you think we would be able to… how do you phrase it?… SNAP OUT OF IT?   Yeah, I have heard that before too…

Anyways, DO NOT HUG ME, do not ask WHY, do not tell me I am too fat or too skinny… just accept me… because YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS BIG A PAIN IN THE ASS TO ME AS MY DEPRESSION IS TO YOU


UGH… Why do you have to touch me?

Okay, so I had to follow my mom in her car today while she drove her rental car back to Enterprise.  This is not a big deal… usually.  However, this morning my mom got up around 9 am and let her beagles outside where there is still some snow on the back porch.  Our female beagle, 9yrs old, squatted for 5 minutes and did not produce any “tee-tee”, as my mother would say.   This is a huge deal in our household.  “Jesse!  Look at Sophie!  She is trying to tee-tee!”  “Jesse, OMG, she is tee-teeing for a really long time!”  “Jesse!  Sophie did not even tee-tee a little bit”

“Mom, there is a lot of tee-tee on that snow outside, how can you tell?”

“Well, that was already there.   She did NOT tee-tee and look, she is trying to again!”

After much watching and observing of Sophie dog beagle we came to the conclusion that she may have a bladder infection.

“Mom, you better call Thomas and ask before we go all the way to the vet.”  Thomas is her husband, my step-dad.

Apparently, Thomas reported noticing a lot of squatting by sophie dog on her last walk.

Do you know what this means?  It means a trip to the downtown vet.  So now its not just driving behind mom to return her rental car.  Its driving behind mom to return her rental car with not just sophie dog, but Max dog, Sophie’s brother, as well.   Sophie opens and closes automatic windows as she sits in my lap at the drivers seat.  Max gets stuck between the seats because he is quite a heavy young man.  There is barking and slobbering and then, worst of all, I am the one in the car with both of them.

We drop of the rental and mom gets in the car and we go to the vets.   The dogs rush out of the car in a surge of gleefulness and panic… whatever you want to call that combination.  we go inside to check in and our dogs completely harass every single animal in that waiting room. What makes it even worse is that I am there, panicking, watching peoples dogs cower and hide… cats quivering in their carrying cases… mom calmly watching tv like this is normal.

We get to our own little room, probably pretty quickly because of all the fussing, and nurse and vet come in to do the check.  Some feeling up of sophie is involved, a thermometer up the butt, and an xray to check for stones.  The only thing we find is that after the up the butt thermometer, sophie leaves a small mass of gooey mucus like slime on my mothers lap.

MOM- “Look at this!”

Nurse- “does it smell?”

No one dared get close enough to tell and soon we were out of there with antibiotics.  Now it is my turn to be in the passenger seat.   On the way home there was slobber, hair all over me, Max got his butt stuck between the seats so he half layed on me and the armrest, Sophie crawls over him with one half on one side of him and the other half in my face.  Lets just say we got really close today.   And yet no one knows what that flemmy white ooze was that came from sophies butt at the vets, no one knows if it smelled, and even worse … I was there for the whole damn thing.