I really hope nobody ever kidnaps me…

Okay, just a normal morning… the Today show is completely over, even the 10 o’clock Today show.  Now it is time to turn off the TV.  The Dr. Oz show just came on and I am forever petrified of watching this because the one time I did watch it… it was about a woman who had been kidnapped and locked in a box for YEARS!   She was taken out of the box periodically for … well, you know… the kind of stuff men do to women they keep in boxes…

If I were locked in a box I would give that person hell… I guess I would just probably die from hoplessness and not being able to take my high dosages of medication…

BUT… if I didnt die, then this kidnapper would be in for a whole lot of unexpected shit.  I know exactly how crazy I can get and this dude would be in for some major doses of crazy town.  … What would a kidnapper do if they kidnapped a schizoaffective bipolar person?   What if they were trying to keep you alive and healthy and want ransom money for your safe return?  I dont think they would be able to handle an unmedicated schizo bipolar person… we are formidable enemies… the kidnapper would return me swiftly I am sure…

“Nevermind, I kidnapped her but I am dropping her off to the ER because she needs some serious help.”

Trust me, I have all kinds of fears.  I hear these stories on the news of people being killed and kidnapped and all that horrible stuff that they love to add tag lines to…  I mean I cant handle this stuff…



Talking about depression is so fucking depressing

If I ever talk to anyone about depression, being depressed, or anything like that… I get so fucking depressed.  Listening to my mouth spout out those words:

“I am not feeling very good today.”

“I am kind of down today.”

“Today just … suuuuuuccckkksss.”

So yeah, talking about it really is quite lame… However, it is not just me that gets depressed… its everyone else who has to hear about it, too.  I can tell by their eyes no longer meeting my own eyes, I can tell by the way their body turns slightly away from me, I can tell by their measured and feebly attempted responses:

“Oh, Im sorry.”(followed by a weak smile)


and the worst response ever….


Look, everyone in the world who is reading… if ANYONE knew why they were depressed, do you not think we would change something?  Don’t you think we would be able to… how do you phrase it?… SNAP OUT OF IT?   Yeah, I have heard that before too…

Anyways, DO NOT HUG ME, do not ask WHY, do not tell me I am too fat or too skinny… just accept me… because YOUR HAPPINESS IS JUST AS BIG A PAIN IN THE ASS TO ME AS MY DEPRESSION IS TO YOU

UGH… Why do you have to touch me?

Okay, so I had to follow my mom in her car today while she drove her rental car back to Enterprise.  This is not a big deal… usually.  However, this morning my mom got up around 9 am and let her beagles outside where there is still some snow on the back porch.  Our female beagle, 9yrs old, squatted for 5 minutes and did not produce any “tee-tee”, as my mother would say.   This is a huge deal in our household.  “Jesse!  Look at Sophie!  She is trying to tee-tee!”  “Jesse, OMG, she is tee-teeing for a really long time!”  “Jesse!  Sophie did not even tee-tee a little bit”

“Mom, there is a lot of tee-tee on that snow outside, how can you tell?”

“Well, that was already there.   She did NOT tee-tee and look, she is trying to again!”

After much watching and observing of Sophie dog beagle we came to the conclusion that she may have a bladder infection.

“Mom, you better call Thomas and ask before we go all the way to the vet.”  Thomas is her husband, my step-dad.

Apparently, Thomas reported noticing a lot of squatting by sophie dog on her last walk.

Do you know what this means?  It means a trip to the downtown vet.  So now its not just driving behind mom to return her rental car.  Its driving behind mom to return her rental car with not just sophie dog, but Max dog, Sophie’s brother, as well.   Sophie opens and closes automatic windows as she sits in my lap at the drivers seat.  Max gets stuck between the seats because he is quite a heavy young man.  There is barking and slobbering and then, worst of all, I am the one in the car with both of them.

We drop of the rental and mom gets in the car and we go to the vets.   The dogs rush out of the car in a surge of gleefulness and panic… whatever you want to call that combination.  we go inside to check in and our dogs completely harass every single animal in that waiting room. What makes it even worse is that I am there, panicking, watching peoples dogs cower and hide… cats quivering in their carrying cases… mom calmly watching tv like this is normal.

We get to our own little room, probably pretty quickly because of all the fussing, and nurse and vet come in to do the check.  Some feeling up of sophie is involved, a thermometer up the butt, and an xray to check for stones.  The only thing we find is that after the up the butt thermometer, sophie leaves a small mass of gooey mucus like slime on my mothers lap.

MOM- “Look at this!”

Nurse- “does it smell?”

No one dared get close enough to tell and soon we were out of there with antibiotics.  Now it is my turn to be in the passenger seat.   On the way home there was slobber, hair all over me, Max got his butt stuck between the seats so he half layed on me and the armrest, Sophie crawls over him with one half on one side of him and the other half in my face.  Lets just say we got really close today.   And yet no one knows what that flemmy white ooze was that came from sophies butt at the vets, no one knows if it smelled, and even worse … I was there for the whole damn thing.

Dealing with IT

So, yeah… I’m depressed.  How do I deal with this?

depression creeps around in the the background.  I could see it in the corner of my eye for days now. It remained elusive until about an hour ago.  This is something you cannot see or reason with.  Apparently, there is a gene for it.  Perhaps you could watch and observe how my synapses are firing at the moment.  But can I do that right now?  Hell no.  All I can do is FEEL it.

I have literally talked to dozens of doctors. Dozens of therapists.

What is their advice?  Raise this med, try this med.  Try mindfullness.  Try opposite action.  Try something fun and new.

What is it they dont get?  Its not just my mind.  Its everything in the whole damn world that is depressing.  The color of the sky sucks right now.  The melting snow is sooo sad.  I am not going to call and talk to anyone about this because I care about them.  I dont want to depress anyone else.  So what is there for me?

Okay, I have taken all medicine as prescribed.  I have plenty of reading material.  I have games to play on my tablet and tv I can watch.  I do not want to deal with actual people, so, no.. the outside world is not available right now.  The question is, will I sit here and just be miserable or will I try something that could work?

I made up my mind a long time ago about this.  Not acting is just as bad as giving up.  I will not give up.  I will push forward and make it through this.  Its the hardest thing a person can do, pushing through.  But it can be done.  I will not give in to this darkness.  I am not a victim.  Im pushing through and I hope that anyone else out there who goes through this can do the same.

Ode to my cigs

oh cigs you were my friends

but I have to admit this is the end

I cannot sleep, I cannot rest

without your comfort circulating in my chest

its been 8 hours, just today

but already, the sun is not so sunny, the skies are more grey

time heals all wounds, I ask?

or is it just more time we lack?

you have stolen some years from my life

now your absence steals my sleep and causes me strife

were you ever such a good friend to make me cough and sputter?

friends to the end, but now I leave you in the gutter

Turning shit into snowflakes

Well… Its a SHIT day.

What do you do now?

You wake up… feel shitty.. so you lay there… an hour passes.. lets check the time..

its 1:30shit O’clock in the afternoon!

What to do?  Some simple steps to recuperation:

1.  Just STOP IT!  Stop laying there, stop your thought processes, stop crying, stop screaming in your pillow, STOP ALL OF IT NOW!

2.  Get out of bed, its easy, just get up

3.  Take a shower, use the best smelling soap you have, wash your hair, brush your teeth… im dead serious, if you can get through this step you are so much farther ahead than you will even imagine.

4.  Get dressed in comfortable yet presentable clothes, there is a different feeling when you are in lay around the house clothes as opposed to something as simple as the kind of outfit you would where if you were to go to , lets say my favorite store, Barnes and Noble.  If your a girl, put on lotion and body spray, if your a guy shave your shadow

5.  go stand on your front or back porch with a cup of coffee or tea… a little caffeine boost and some fresh air is awesome.  Now dont just stand there, look at the damn trees, grass, car, neighbors dog thats barking at you, the sky, … the dirt.  Take it all in, think about the weather, feel the cool breeze (if you live in south carolina and its winter), or the chilling cold… okay maybe go inside now, someone may call the cops

6.  Sit in your living room… STAY OUT OF BEDROOM!!!  The bed is for actual sleeping not mopey mopertoning around… do you have books?  Read!  Look at the BBC.com news of around the world…. Look at interesting things online, DO NOT LOOK UP MEDICAL DISORDERS AND DIAGNOSE YOURSELF… jeez, I know you may think you have cancers and organ failures and all kinds of psychiatric problems undiagnosed… trust me, just leave it alone

7.  Look at the time now!  its been hours since you got out of bed, think of all the kinds of things you could accomplish!  That art project.  Make appointments before 5 O’clock… Reading that book you really want to finish, hey, its okay… you will finish it someday.

8.  Something vitally important!  make your dinner!  Im serious, YOU WILL NOT FEEL GOOD IF YOU HAVENT EATEN… a simple sandwich with veggies meat and cheese is good, or a hearty soup, drink some water… helps with digestive issues

9.  Okay, its getting a little later in the day, what can you do?  how about a movie on netflix?  or some of that prime time tv show that your mom told you that you might like.

10.  Its getting late, its been a long day, agonizing?  or a little better?  its time to wind down, try aromatherapy or hot mint tea… plan for tomorrow… maybe tomorrow you can leave the house for a bit, just go get some coffee, be like me and read a book in a public place… just for about 20-30 minutes, before things get wierd and agh anxiety… TAKE YOUR PRESCRIBED MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED…

some simple steps that help me out, hope it helps, written with love

Why do you Read so much?

“Why do you read so much?”

Tyrion looked up at the sound of the voice.  Jon Snow was standing a few feet away, regarding him curiously.  He closed the book on a finger and said, “Look at me and tell me what you see.”

The boy looked at him suspiciously.  “Is this some kind of trick?  I see you, Tyrion Lannister.”

Tyrion sighed. “You are remarkably polite for a bastard, Jon Snow.  What you see is a dwarf.  You are, what?  twelve?”

“Fourteen.” The boy said.

“Fourteen and you are taller than I will ever be.  My legs are short and twisted, and I walk with difficulty.  I require a special saddle to keep from falling off my horse.  A saddle of my own design, you may be curious to know.  It was either that, or ride a pony.  My arms are strong enough, but again, too short.  I will never make a swordsman.  Had I been born a peasant, they might have left me out to die, or sold me to some slavers grotesquerie.  Alas. I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock, and the grotesqueries are all the poorer.  Things are expected of me.  My father was the hand of the king for twenty years.  My brother later killed that same king, as it turns out, but life is full of these little ironies.  My sister married the new king and my repulsive nephew will be king after him.  I must do my part for the hone of my house, wouldn’t you agree?  Yet how? Well, my legs may be to small for my body, but my head is too large, although I prefer to think it is just large enough for my mind.  I have a realistic grasp of my strengths and weaknesses.  My mind is my weapon.  My brother has his sword, king Robert has his Warhammer, and I have my mind….  and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.”  Tyrion tapped the leather cover of the book.  “That’s why I read so much, Jon Snow.”

A game of thrones, pages 123-124


I can relate, Tyrion.