What?

So, has anyone ever experienced being diagnosed multiple times over the course of several years?  I have been or am…. schizophrenic, schizoaffective, borderline, multiple other personality disorders with the ultimate topper of being Bipolar through and through.  So where does that leave me?  All I know is that two psychiatrists told me that I was the most Bipolar person they had ever met.  This does not leave one feeling very good about themselves.  It’s kind of like when I broke my nose and the doctor in California said, “It’s broken in, like, a million pieces.”   Its just not very medically oriented to say these kind of things.  I guess I could care less about my nose, but my brain?  Can we just pinpoint it to one little thing?  I know, lets just say that Jesse is a crazy person.  “She is medically termed ‘crazy girl jesse’.  Just sane enough to be let loose on the world and live her little crazy life.”  See, I am not actually insane enough to be locked up.  However, I am the type of crazy that makes people feel really awkward when you talk about your life.  “How was your day, Jesse?”  … “Well, I cried a little bit this morning then I perked up and then I went out and bought things that I will probably return, oh say… in about 2 days.”  Someone please explain to me how any of this fits in with Facebook posts when everyone else is posting pictures of ACTUAL LIVES!  Trust me when I say this… everything is going to be okay.  everything is going to work out.  It may not be working out right now, or even in a few months.  You may even have to give it a year.  But please know… things do get better.  And when they do, you better damn well enjoy yourself.

Advertisements

up days…

I was able to get about 6 hours of sleep, which is pretty good for me.  Also, I had no nightmares, night terrors or dream paralysis.  I tend to wake up startled every morning as if I am surprised to still be alive.  I had my normal 2-3 cups of coffee and set about my day.  I was able to return a few books to Barnes and Nobles that I know I will not be reading in the anytime near future.  This is lucky because I tend to spend my disability money quickly on a manic rampage through book stores.  I came home and cleaned the entirety of the kitchen, which was a complete and utter disaster.  It is so easy to feel hopeless when you have such a huge mess to tackle but cleaning, while irritating at the time, can be quite good for personal morale.  I can literally see the difference I am making as I swipe down the counter and clean off massively abused dishes.  I also discovered a spot where one of my cats has been peeing.  oh my Mable, what are we to do with you?  She is half blind and just a strange creature altogether.  My mom found her on the side of the road in Lufkin, Texas.  That was at least 8 years ago now.  She manages, but really Mable, why so strange?  I know for a fact that I am one of the strangest of the strange creatures, but at least I do not pee in secretive places.  “Look, no one can see, so I can do this here and perhaps no one will ever find out.”  Okay, Mable, perhaps you have a point.  Maybe not so strange after all.

When I want to scream…

I just feel defined by this illness ever since I was diagnosed.  It was six years ago… no, it was seven years ago.  I have never been the same.  I feel trapped.  Trapped under this name, trapped in my house, trapped in disability.  I am somebody.  At least I was somebody.  Now it’s just, “Hi, I’m crazy, I take too many meds to even enjoy a glass of wine, and I cannot hold down a job.  Still interested in talking? No?  I didn’t think so.”

My cats get to go outside, the dogs do too.  They even make a lot of noise and climb on the furniture.  If I did that it would be straight to the mental hospital.  I just want my freedom back.  I rely on these medications and all they have done is taken away my ability to think clearly enough to be the creative person I used to be.  Can I do it just one  time?  Can I just stand in the street and scream?  Can I do anything?